22 and a half

August 31, 2015

It's been a long time since I last took my own portrait in the mirror like this with my camera, I remember how much I used to do it when I got my first camera years ago. This time though, I had to tell myself to pick up the camera while I was at home to take this picture of myself (it used to be almost natural and automatic), trying to remind myself to document more personal and small details in life through this lens. It's after all the very initial reason why I wanted to get a camera, now it's become a tool for work. I've almost forgotten how it's like to be taking pictures of everything and anything that makes me... feel. I tell myself I want to live in the moment without having to change or capture it, but sometimes I regret not doing so.
The little things in life - the spontaneous midnight swim, the karaoke session you have in your own bedroom with youtube, the cuddles you have before you sleep, your favourite music in ears, wind in your hair, a hug when you feel cold... These are the little things that warm the heart. I came across this saying the other day "if you want to learn what someone fears losing, watch what they photograph", although with all the social media and instagram #ootd posts these days, I wouldn't say it accurately applies to everyone, but at least for me, it can't be truer. I only have to take a glance at the photographs I take the most to know exactly what I value or fear losing the most. Some days I want myself to enjoy and savour the moments themselves without trying to change or capture them in photographs, people say you will remember them in your memory, but will you really? Many times I wish I've taken more photographs with people/ at places I never want to forget, so I could always be reminded and transported back to those moments that are long gone. They might never repeat again.
Two weeks ago I thought one of my dearest friends who's recently been diagnosed with depression was going to kill himself, a national serviceman who's only about to turn 20 committed suicide, a friend whom I've always admired because of her optimism and hardwork, has also become depressed lately... Reading news on the explosions in China and Bangkok that killed many many families, a few more plane-crash this year... And then few days ago, the very first friend I knew when I came to Singapore, left Singapore for good, many other people I adore have also gone overseas to study... Makes me start thinking what is life but a continuous loss and change of people in it. 
Two third of the year has gone past... I wonder how much time I spent working, talking to the few people I enjoy spending time with, and running. One thing I'm definitely happy about is that I finally started running in a regular basis, never in my life would I have thought that I'd actually think "I feel like running tonight" (after an entire day at work!) and genuinely crave to do so. I was telling Ale how running is actually very much like meditation to me, where I get to focus on my breath, my body and I feel the wind on my face, I get to be present instead of letting the mind wander too much. It sometimes really does feel like freedom. In the past, I used to force myself to run for the sake of exercising, never liked it, but my stamina was never too bad, so I did it anyway. Speaking of which, I've moved in with Anita, the very girl that made me start running early this year and helped me develop this habit of running. She was the one who had to drag me out to run then, now we became housemates and I couldn't be more grateful of her company, especially this month, it hasn't been an easy one for me. But on a brighter note, this past month I've easily cooked more than I did the past 3 years, and it is nice :)
I can't decide if it has been a great year - some days I wonder if I could be any luckier or feel more loved, everything feels perfect and in place, while some days I fight hard to bring myself up, only to feel more broken than I think I can ever be. Some days I'm confident and hopeful and funny, while some days I just want to break, be weak and taken care of, only to be slapped by the hard truth that life isn't always about us. 
22, life doesn't feel as easy as it used to be. Life feels harsh and real. I still feel a little too young, emotional and easily defeated at times. Sometimes life hurts because you put so much hope and expectation in things, and they don't always turn out to be the way you want them to be. The next lesson I guess I have to learn, is to grit my teeth, and let things be/go. There are really so much to learn in life. I'm so thankful for people who stick with me after all these while, people who give me very kind words and encouragement, and most importantly, people who take out their time and days to spend with me, creating memories and moments I will miss dearly, reminding me that life can be sweet and warm. Time, time is priceless, it is the best thing one can give another. I know I'm well loved, these are the words and things that keep me going. Things that make me want to celebrate life.


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