I find myself a lot gloomier than I used to be, a lot of times when I'm alone I find myself unhappy.
I honestly have no idea why and I'm still trying to figure it out. Perhaps it's not a very good idea to try figuring it out because the more you think about it the longer you'd be stuck there.
The process of being broken either by words of others or myself is incredibly exhausting, and people won't know what you're going through inside, but you can't blame them, because if you never tell them, how are they supposed to know? People can't read mind. Funny that Ryan actually said "you see, kah ying is happy about everything. you can't tell her your problems because she won't understand." I do have my unhappiness, Ryan. People always seem to be happier than they are until you get really close to them, don't they? Be kind to everyone because you'd slowly realize every single person you meet is fighting a hard battle. I don't feel the desire to tell and explain to people about my sadness because the process could be tiring.
I need to make a change.
It's like no matter how hard I attempt to make my days fulfilling, I just can't seem to make it happen, again one day passes and I'm almost tired of blaming myself for not doing anything productive or meaningful. I really hate it when I'm wasting my time being moody and unhappy yet I'm not doing anything to help it. Whenever my sister blames me for being lazy or not managing my time well, there it goes again - the heavy feeling in my chest, cuz I'm aware of it and I want myself to do better more than anyone else in the world. But plans are nothing without actions, I know. Shannon said "don't blame yourself for laziness. School can be tiring sometimes." Maybe she's right, maybe all I need now is to forgive myself, take a breath and take a break. School works haven't been that heavy, I know I can cope with it better, I know I can do a lot better if I manage my time well, but these days I just seem to have lost the momentum and motivation. now it's slightly too late because the works started to pile up. but then again nothing's too late, every new day is a chance to change myself. Go kahying go! I'll keep trying.
I rarely blog about my unhappiness because I believe that we should never speak of what we do not wish to happen unless you want more of it, but this thing has started to be a little too overwhelming that I need to express it somewhere. But it's okay, it's just a little sadness, nothing big! it's what makes us human, failure, pain and different kinds of emotions, isn't it?
Another 2 days to turn 19. Glad to be able to pass this special day at home with my loving family. I hope April will be good. I want a getaway so badly. Can't wait for holidays to come.